The ball goes in the goal
Hello all, let’s have a quick glance at the weekend’s games. The first round of Premier League matches down, and it’s exactly as everyone expected, with Bolton Wanderers comfortably leading the table with a vastly superior goal difference to close rivals Wolves and Manchester United. Crisis clubs Arsenal and Liverpool are floundering in mid-table, and the pressure is already on them to revive their ailing campaigns for Champions League football. Blackburn, Queens Park Rangers and West Brom are all mired in the relegation zone, below the likes of Spurs and Swansea, who have games in hand.
Now that’s the table silliness dealt with, let’s do it GAME BY GAME and take it SERIOUSLY.
Blackburn Rovers 1 – 2 Wolverhampton Wanderers
This one, a repeat of last season’s final day thrillfest, was decided by goals from two Stephens, Fletcher and Ward. Actually Ward’s a Steven, but in the podcast version of this blog no-one will realise the flaw in my report. Blackburn took the lead through Mauro Formica, a man who I didn’t know existed because I didn’t do one of those club-by-club ‘ins and outs’ things this summer, and also the Blackburn fan I emailed to do their preview didn’t reply. So it’s really not my fault that I didn’t know. Anyway, then Mick McCarthy’s army of Steves took over. I worry about the Steve in Blackburn’s dugout, as Kean will be fighting an uphill battle without investment this season, and he didn’t have any namesakes on the pitch AT ALL. Their substitutes bench also looked unbelievably callow. Their entire outfield substitutes’ bench had one substitute appearance in the Premier League between them at the start of the game, and featured Adam Henley, Myles Anderson and Nick Blackman. I’m not saying they’re rubbish, but there was no-one with a proven record for Kean to look to when they went behind. On the whole, a difficult start to what could be a difficult season for Rovers. It’s a great start for Wolves, and doubly encouraging as this type of fixture is exactly the kind they struggled with last season.
Fulham 0 – 0 Aston Villa
I was informed by a Villa fan who went to this game that Heskey played on the left-wing, which I suppose settles the question about whether Alex McLeish has replaced Stewart Downing. Villa managed one shot on target compared to Fulham’s nine, and I’m surprised to see that the rubbish Andrew Johnson played the whole game while Moussa Dembele, an infinitely more exciting player, came on as a substitute for Martin Jol’s side. The new manager got that one wrong, it’s a fact. I’ve got nothing more to say about this game so I’ll just make some stuff up. Villa ended the game with fifteen outfield players after fooling Fulham’s back four into wearing claret and blue shirts “in a tribute to the relegated West Ham”, the referee painted a fifteen-yard penis on the pitch during the second half and demanded that any player who walked in it took his shorts off, and Heskey was awarded the man-of-the-match award. Only joking!!!
Luis Suarez missed a penalty, badly
Liverpool 1 – 1 Sunderland
A catastrophe for Liverpool, whose summer of hard work has come to ground in a disappointing one-all home draw. Their thoughts must now turn to next season. As for Sunderland, it’s a good result, and just reward for some shrewd transfer business from Steve Bruce. Apparently Wes Brown was particularly impressive, and at £1m he could be a real bargain if his injury problems are behind him. Sunderland’s goal was a brilliant equaliser from the handsome Sebastian Larsson, while Liverpool had earlier taken the lead with a flicked Suarez header from a pinpoint Charlie Adam delivery. The game will be best forgotten by the Uruguayan, though, as he took the worst penalty in the world, blazing high and wide from twelve yards.
Newcastle United 0 – 0 Arsenal
This was on television. It wasn’t very good, with Arsenal dominating in the first half, being rubbish in the second and having a player sent off after a fight with Joey Barton. Really the only thing missing compared to last season’s fixture was goals and Phil Dowd. Gervinho looked good at running past players, but not so good at passing to teammates in the opposing penalty area, or not getting sent off. I really am not interested in the ‘fight’ at all, but I do wonder when the last time a footballer actually landed a punch was. It’s all slaps and pushing, it’s rubbish. You shouldn’t fight anyway, but if you’re going to, at least make sure it’s proper fighting. Arsenal have got some strengthening to do, and it’s worth asking why they’ve left it until the season’s already started.
Queens Park Rangers 0 – 4 Bolton Wanderers
By all accounts, QPR were right in this one until the stroke of half-time when the gap between the Championship and the Premier League became painfully evident. A 25-yard worldie from a centre-half, Gary Cahill, sent Bolton into the break ahead and Rangers were never in the game after that. Sadder than their disappointing return to the top flight, though, was the inevitable stretchering off of Kieron Dyer after just six minutes, his ankle crumbling into powder after an innocuous collision. It’s amazing he made it through pre-season, really, and it feels like he is fated to be remembered for cameos like these. Bolton have started well, though, and Owen Coyle will be delighted having had to deal with a couple of serious injuries himself this summer.
Stoke City 0 – 0 Chelsea
Chelsea controlled most of this game, coming up against a typically robust Stoke defence which held out for a 0-0. This one was a battle for me to watch, with my dislikes for both Stoke as a team and John Terry difficult to choose between. I settled on supporting Chelsea when Terry was out of shot, and wishing for a nuclear apocalypse when he was in shot. After the game, Andre Villas-Boas had a whinge about Stoke’s physical style, and I don’t blame him. Watching the game, it was clear Stoke didn’t have much interest in the ball, with Fernando Torres in particular a target for their cynical fouling. The Spaniard, incidentally, looked excellent – I think we’ll see the return of the best of him this season after a well-earned summer’s rest.
Shlee claims a goal
West Bromwich Albion 1 – 2 Manchester United
I think Roy Hodgson will feel justifiably disappointed by West Brom’s failure to make their pressure tell, as one moment of class from Ashley Young proved the difference for the visiting champions. United started superbly and looked like cutting the hosts apart at will, but a bit of poor goalkeeping from £18m David de Gea let Shane Long and company back into it. De Gea pulled off a couple of good saves to redeem himself but looked generally shaky and was – perhaps cynically – targeted by West Brom at set-pieces in the second half, and I think Sky’s co-commentator (can’t remember who it was now) was right when he said he doubts de Gea will forget his debut in a hurry, as he was left bruised by some overly physical aerial challenges. Ultimately, however, a combination of wayward shooting and good defending protected the goalkeeper from further mistakes, and a brilliant change of direction from Young opened up the space for the unfortunate own goal which won the game. Sir Alex Ferguson will be happy with the scoreline, but I’m sure he’ll demand an improved performance in the weeks to come.
Wigan 1 – 1 Norwich
More shit goalkeeping here, with Ali Al-Habsi, one of Wigan’s best players last season, spilling a simple cross from Steve Morison at the feet of Wes Hoolahan, who gleefully converted the goal that secured a point for the Premier League’s returning Norwich. Wigan had taken the lead from a Ben Watson penalty, conceded clumsily by Ritchie De Laet, and had plenty of chances to win the game but failed to add to their solitary goal. Roberto Martínez said after the game that he was disappointed with the hosts’ performance, and they’ll certainly have to win games like this if he’s to justify his decision not to join Aston Villa. As for Norwich, I’m going to come right out and say I’ve got a bad feeling about Paul Lambert. He seems like a dour, pissed-off man. I predict bland interviews and sucking up to Fergie.
This afternoon I’m obviously going to do a blog about Fábregas. See you then!
