Hours after the news broke that Manchester City defender Kolo Touré had failed a drugs test after taking his wife’s diet pills, a leaked document has exposed his daily fitness regime…
Kolo's dependency worsens
10:00. Get up and have a shower. Step on the scales with towel round head. Sigh. Look in the mirror. I’m a monster.
10:30. Find something to wear that doesn’t cut into my thighs. Seems there’s less and less each day. Got to do something about this.
11:30. Draw the curtains and do half an hour on the Wii fit.
11:40. Stop. Phew! Too tired. Text David Silva and ask if he wants to come over to chill, watch Jeremy Kyle and eat Maltesers. He’s not replied yet.
12:10. Still no response. Maybe his phone’s off. Have a glass of wine. Why not? It’s the afternoon now.
13:00. Call him. His phone’s on, he’s just not picking it up. Maybe he’s at training? Text to tell him don’t worry if he gets it late, I’ve Sky Plus’d it. Come over whenever.
13:30. Still no reply. Lunch on my own then. Was going to have a three-bean salad but the broad beans are a day off, ordered pizza and chicken wings instead. Treat myself.
14:00. Eat.
15:00. Deliberately didn’t look at my phone for a whole hour, so there was more chance when I looked at it again I’d have a new message. I did, but it was just Subway telling me about a new deal. Scant consolation, although I will definitely go there tomorrow.
15:30. He’s with Yaya. I bet he’s with Yaya. Make them jealous by posting pics from last night with Adam Johnson in Circle and posting Facebook status ‘Kolo Touré is really happy today because of a certain someone! 
’ Don’t mention that Adam left with someone else when I went to the toilet.
16:00 – 18:00. Cry.
18:30. All men are bastards.
19:00. Vow to change. A new Kolo. Twenty more minutes on the Wii, then kneel in front of the toilet bowl and evacuate pizza and chicken wings. Replace with Slim-Fast coriander leaves. Bin the jumper Silva left here last week. Actually he didn’t leave it here, I hid it so he’d have to come back for it 
19:30. Resolve that I’m going out tonight no matter what mum says. Make sure I look fabulous. Need to find someone to go out with though – everyone’s got plans already!
20:00. Eboué arrives. He’s annoyed that I haven’t spoken to him much and thinks I’ve changed and have become shallow since I left London. I pretend not to hear. Get the White Zinfandel out. Going to let loose tonight!
00:30. Get in early. No-one spoke to me all night, and Eboué went off to Johnny Evans’ party. Put Eric Carmen on and cry self to sleep.
