Saturday pre-review

Barton: Wolves' lunch

Hello all! I’m about to embark on a friend’s booze-soaked caravanscapade birthday weekend, and don’t expect to be in any fit state to blog on Monday. For that reason, I thought I’d save some time and forgo the usual Saturday preview in favour of a pre-review. A pre-review is a new thing which I invented today, which reviews events in advance of their taking place. Handy. Ya dig?

Blackburn Rovers 1 – 1 Arsenal, 12:45

Blackburn’s Steve Kean’s job is safe for another week as Blackburn pick up a creditable point against Arsenal. The visitors, whose super quality is described by Arsene Wenger as “super, super quality” before the game, take the lead through a deflected Andrey Arshavin effort, and the Russian earns his right to lie on the grass for the rest of the game. Christopher Samba’s promises that Blackburn will make it a ‘living hell’ for Arsenal are fulfilled, as the giant Congolese defender man-marks each of the visitors’ players in turn, scraping his fingers down a blackboard and whispering Tony Pulis’s name. A late own goal from substitute Sebastian Squillaci seals a point for the home team. Following the game, Arsenal become the first Premier League team of the season to make use of the Emergency Loan window, sending Squillaci to Champions League rivals Liverpool as a matter of emergency.

Aston Villa 0 – 0 Newcastle United, 15:00
In the most predictable result of the weekend, Villa and Newcastle remain unbeaten as per a gentleman’s agreement between the managers at the start of the game. Alex McLeish’s flat back seven does its job, and Emile Heskey and Leon Best do theirs to the best of their ability. At some point, the Aston Villa fans cheer a refereeing decision sarcastically, keeping up their proud record of the most sarcastic cheers in Premier League history. At no point will it dawn on the Villa Park faithful that this means they are receiving refereeing decisions in their favour.

Bolton Wanderers 1 – 0 Norwich City, 15:00
After a hideous run of three games (Manchester City, Liverpool and Manchester United), Bolton get back to winning ways. As with every Norwich game so far this season, the Canaries concede a penalty, which may be scored. Following the game, Paul Lambert gives a bland and humourless interview. Soon, the question will be begged – can anyone really know Paul Lambert? Even his wife? Or is he completely unknowable, like an irascible hermit or the deep blue sea?

Everton 2 – 1 Wigan Athletic, 15:00
Another image of Bill Kenwright is beamed up onto the Goodison Park big screen, and many Everton fans who don’t understand the incompetent way the club is being run cheer his appearance. An unremarkable game is enlivened by the class of 17-year-old Ross Barkley, whose agent immediately declares that he is unable to fulfill his obligations to the best of his ability and demands his client moves to a bigger club, so he can be a parasitic scumbag at a much bigger stage. A three-year saga ensues, with the media claiming bids from Manchester City, Manchester United, Liverpool, Chelsea, Anzhi Makhachkalakalalkakchalakcha… [cont.] …chalkalakaklkakakalkalaka… [cont.] …chkala, and Internazionale, before he joins United for £15m.

Swansea City 1 – 0 West Brom, 15:00
Swansea pick up their first goal and win of the Premier League season as Roy Hodgson’s side continue their struggles. Swansea’s goalkeeper’s Vorm doesn’t pick up in any way, shape or Vorm, and you all get swiftly Vorm out by the increasingly disappointing puns.

Wolverhampton Wanderers 0 – 1 QPR, 15:00
Joey Elizabeth Barton becomes the target of another Karl Henry-ing, and the game is followed by more apparent surprise from Mick McCarthy at any perception of ‘rough-housing’ tactics. “On Match of the Day, they showed the fourteen or fifteen fouls Karl’s committed on Barton,” he’ll say afterwards, “but what about the ten to twelve times he failed to make contact? It’s cleverly edited to make the thug Karl Henry look like a thug.” During the Match of the Day analysis, the Alans will chuckle away at the “old fashioned” knee-high assault dished out by the Wanderers, then shake their heads sadly during the slow-motion replay of Barton’s tibia smashing and say “that’s very unlucky.” Shaun Wright-Phillips settles the game, accidentally dribbling into the goal when he mistook it for a dead end.